Don't Stop, and Hope
by Trekkiehood
Summary: Steve was a Christian, he was Captain America after all. He's not ashamed of his faith, but Tony is starting to get annoyed with it. An argument leads to an anxiety attack, which leads to a long conversation. No Slash - just friendship and bromance. I don't own the Avengers (imagine that) Christianity and Spiritual themes are present throughout this story. Warnings on profile.


They all knew he was Christian. It wasn't a surprise. He was Captain America after all. When they first moved into the tower, he was private about his faith. As time went on he became more outspoken. It wasn't like he tried to force it on them. It was more of passing comments. Everyone ignored him for the most part. Not in a rude way, they just had nothing to say. Until Tony had enough.

Steve hadn't even said anything all that controversial. It was after a hard mission. Hard but successful. There had been no casualties whatsoever. That was rare. When Clint made an offhand comment about them being lucky, Steve had replied, "God was definitely with us."

This caused the Atheist to lose it. He spun around looking the Captain in the eyes. "Listen here Cap, this isn't the 1940s, okay? Talking about God isn't as acceptable a topic as it used to be." Steve didn't react whatsoever. This only made Tony angrier, "I'm sure you and Bucky had fun at Sunday School every Sunday and I'm sure you prayed before every battle, look what that go you! He's dead and you were stuck in the ice for almost seventy years!" This time Steve paled slightly and took a step back. "I'm glad you and your friends back then got to talk about it and reassure each other that you would see each other again someday. I'm sure it's a great coping mechanism, but some people like to live in the real world!" he shouted.

Steve blinked. That was it, he blinked. Everyone stood in silence waiting for him to say something, but he just blinked. Then his hands clenched into a tight ball. His eyes seeing straight through the billionaire. He took in a shaky breath, turned around, and walked away.

No one said anything for several minutes. It was Natasha who broke the silence. "Was that really necessary Stark?"

"What, it's true?" He responded heading to the kitchen.

"Is it though?" she blocked his way, arms crossed.

"Listen, I was just trying to make a point." He tried to move past her. She just moved with him.

"You need to apologize." She insisted. Tony raised his eyebrows while the rest of the Avengers stared at her in confusion. She wasn't the type to care about such a small argument.

"Listen, is there something I don't know? Because you're defending a religion you don't even believe in yourself." He finally made it past her and opened the cabinet to grab a coffee cup. She shut before he had a chance to grab one.

"I'm not defending the religion, I'm defending the man." she insisted, "and you don't know what I believe."

"Oh, don't tell me you're one of them." Tony rolled his eyes.

"I'm pretty sure that's none of your business Stark. But, if you must know, I don't know what I believe. What I do know, is that the Red Room was run by people who were afraid of religion. People who saw any type of religion as a threat. So now, I see them as a threat." She looked him in the eyes, causing him to take a step back. "Go apologise to Rogers."

Then she walked away. Everyone else slowly dispersed as Tony stood at the counter motionless. Clint came up and patted him on the back. "I'd do it if I were you." he shook his head as he walked away. "Nat has a way of forcing people to do things."

Tony shook his head. He didn't know what had gotten into her. But, he knew he should probably apologize to Cap. Not even he wanted to have Natasha on his bad side.

~A~

He knocked quietly at the door. There was no answer. "Cap?" he knocked again. When no one answered on the third time he was starting to worry. "Hey JARVIS, where's Cap?" He decided to ask the AI. Maybe he wasn't even in his room and he had nothing to worry about.

"Captain Rogers is currently in his room." the bodiless voice answered. Well, there went that theory.

"Is he awake."

"Yes, Sir." the AI responded. Tony knew he had upset Steve, but he didn't think that he would completely ignore him.

"Well is he okay?" He finally asked, unsure of what else to say.

"His heart rate has increased to 110 beats per minute and his breathing has become shallow. In fact Sir, he seems to be suffering an anxiety attack." the voice informed the billionaire.

Stark's eyes widened. Am anxiety attack? Cap? He tried to open the door but found it to be locked.

"JARVIS, unlock his door." he was trying not to panic himself. He knew what it was like to have an anxiety attack, but to have it alone?

"But Sir, that would be an invasion of Captain Rogers-"

"Override privacy setting, now get the door open!" he shouted.

"Yes, Sir." the AI sounded offended. If Tony wasn't so worried about Cap he would have rolled his eyes. "The door is now unlocked."

Tony burst through the door and saw Steve sitting on the edge of the bed, back turned from the door. Stark moved so he was positioned directly in front of him. The man's eyes were wide and unmoving and his breathing was coming in short gasps. He didn't even acknowledge that someone was standing in front of him.

"Cap, Cap can you hear me?" Tony knelt in front of the Super Soldier. "Steve, Steve look at me." The Captain turned his eyes away from whatever he was seeing and towards the man in front of him. His breaths were getting faster, he was starting to hyperventilate. "Listen Cap, I don't know what you are seeing, but I need you to breathe." The once still eyes searched the opposing face for something, anything that would keep him from dying. Tony knew what that felt like. Being caught in an anxiety nightmare and thinking you were going die. The man began shaking with such intensity that Stark wondered if he would break the bed. The billionaire really began to worry when his friend wrapped his arms around his knees, bringing them up to his chest. His head had dropped down between his legs and the shudders were becoming stronger, if that was possible. "Here, breathe with me." He said lightly tapping Steve's knee." Can you do that Cap? Breathe with me? One." He took a deep breath, calming his own nerves while hoping to help his friend. "Two." He breathed again. By the time he reached five Steve was at least attempting to breath with him. By ten his breathing had slowed to only slightly irregular. By twenty the rigid shoulders had relaxed and he was breathing normal.

Steve brought his legs back to the ground and looked away embarrassed. Tony moved to sit beside him. "How long?" was all Stark said.

Steve shook his head. "Almost three years." He gave a humourless laugh. "I guess if you want to get technical it's been over seventy."

"You had them in the war?" Tony was surprised, but it made sense.

"Most of us did, but no one ever talked about it."

"Have you been dealing with them alone all this time?" He certainly hoped he hadn't. Dealing with anxiety attacks was hard, alone was even worse.

"No, back in the war I had, well, I had Bucky. After he died," The soldier went silent and Tony was afraid he would have another attack. But, he cleared his throat and continued, "After he died I learned how to deal with it alone. I don't have them that often, well at least, not bad ones."

"And if you do have a bad one?" He was not liking the new revelation from his leader.

"Then I inform Ms Romanova," JARVIS interjected. Steve nodded.

"Why didn't you inform her this time?" he tried to keep from snapping at the AI. That wouldn't help Steve.

"You were already standing by. I saw no reason to disturb her," Tony nodded. He supposed it made sense.

"But, why didn't you ever tell anyone?" He was baffled that Steve had kept it a secret for such a long time.

"Natasha knew," was the only answer.

"Yeah, but why did you tell her? It's not like I care, but it seems like there are a lot better people to confide in than an ex-Russian assassin!"

"I didn't _tell_ her." he sighed and rubbed his face. "She found out on our first mission together, something happened, and, well I lost it, okay?" His voice was raised in anger, more at himself than at Tony. "We kept it between us." his voice dropped back to its normal volume.

That meant she probably knew Cap's triggers. That's probably why she had been so insistent he apologises. He should probably do that. But, that could wait just a few more minutes.

"But why?" He finally asked. "Why keep them a secret? We all have them, whether it be attacks, or dreams, or random spouts of violence we all have something. It comes with the job."

Steve looked him in the eyes. "'It comes with the job' isn't the way it was viewed back then," he said quietly. "PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks, they were a mental illness. Once you got home, they gave you a year at most. If you still had the symptoms," he gave another cold laugh, "they locked you up." he shrugged not knowing what else to say.

Tony didn't know how to respond. It wasn't a mental illness, they weren't crazy. When something traumatic happens, your brain doesn't know how to deal with it. It's that simple. Being locked up wasn't the answer. They knew that now.

"You know it's not true right?" Tony tried to reassure. The soldier just shrugged. Stark opened his mouth but closed it again, not sure of what to say. He had never seen Steve this down. Then the realization hit him, he had been the one to somehow trigger it. "What was it this time?" He asked, almost afraid to look at him.

"It doesn't matter," Steve replied shaking his head.

"No, no it does matter. If something I said triggered it, I need to know. I've had them to Cap. I know what it's like. There are words and phrases that trigger memories. I know. Just tell me what triggered it so I can avoid saying it again." He was getting close to that apology. There was silence for a full five minutes. Tony wouldn't push him, this was a touchy subject. It was something he hadn't wanted to talk about either, but it was necessary.

"You were wrong." a low voice finally answered. He waited for him to finish. "Things were different, yes. Religion was more prominent, yes. Everyone was a Christian, no."

Tony couldn't figure out where this was going.

"I'm sorry Cap, but you're making no sense."

"Bucky, he, he wasn't, I never really asked..." his voice trailed off, "When I was young I never really talked about my faith. I went to church with my mom when I was younger, it was an escape from... _him_." Tony wasn't exactly sure who " _him"_ was referring to, but he didn't push it. "That's when I became a Christian. It was an amazing feeling when I realized that Jesus loved me and died for me." Tony wouldn't let himself say anything, if he wanted Rogers to open up to him ever again he would have to keep any disagreements to himself. "I accepted him as my Savior, and I became part of a huge family who loved me. Immediately after, I convinced Bucky to come with me. He came a couple of times. But, when... _he_ , died, mom started taking in laundry on Sundays to make end meet and I stopped going to."

"Who's he?" Tony couldn't refrain from asking. He saw Steve sit a little more rigid. He coughed once before answering.

"My father." was all he said. Thinking back, Tony realized that Steve never talked about his dad. His mom, all the time. Bucky, at least once a week, but his dad? He had had daddy issues of his own, but now wasn't the time to pry.

"So you stopped going to church. It obviously didn't change your faith." It wasn't a jab or snide comment, he meant it genuinely. Steve seemed to notice that.

"I talked about my faith some, but not often. Bucky, well, he never seemed to like it. He never told me to stop, but I knew him well enough to notice things like that. So I stopped. I stopped bringing it up to him. By the time we became part of the Howling Commandos I had stopped talking about it all together. Then he died." The words stopped abruptly. Tony waited, sensing he needed to say more. He was right, "And I couldn't save him." the words were so soft they barely reached the billionaire's ears.

"It wasn't your fault." If he thought Cap's other laughs were cold and humourless this one took the cake.

"That's what they all say, 'it wasn't your fault, Steve.'" it was said almost mockingly, "Maybe it wasn't, I don't know anymore! But you know what I do know? I should have told him. I shouldn't have let him stop me from telling him. He died without knowing Christ and it's my fault!" The last was something between a cry and a scream. He put his head in his hands. Tony slowly began to rub Steve's back.

"Listen, Cap, I don't know what to tell you. There's nothing I can say to make the hurt go away. I don't know that much about religion, but I know that you can hope. You can hope he, how do you say it, got saved before he died. Isn't there some verse about not knowing a man's heart?" Steve nodded. "See! There is hope Steve, and what I said back there, I'm sorry, I didn't really mean it. I was just fed up, stress from the mission, you know." Another nod. More silence.

"Thanks, Tony." the response eventually came.

"No problem," he said slowly rising from the bed. As he began to walk away a voice stopped him.

"You know I'm not going to stop right?" Steve said without moving.

Tony stopped but didn't turn around. "I know." was Tony's response as he continued walking out the door.

~TH~

 **Now it's time for me to come on here and explain a few things. First of all, yes I am a Christian, which if you've been anywhere near my profile you know. Second, this is an idea I have been thinking about for a long time. I do believe Steve is a Christian. I do believe Tony is an Athiest. As for Natasha, well, let's call her a neutral for now.**

 **I left several things open for future stories. (Which I hope to write.) Let me know if you would like a story about Nat finding out about Steve's anxiety attack. I can write one, but if no one is interested then there is no point. :)**

 **As for Steve's dad, I might write a fic about that to. As implied in this story, I don't think Steve and his dad got along. We shall see if I write something or not. Let me know if you want it and which you would like more.**

 **Anyway, that's enough rambling for now. If you have any questions about the Christian faith, PM me. I'd love to answer any question you might have.**

 **As always, please vote/favourite/comment and review!**

 **God bless,**

 **Trekkiehood**


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